


With you Gone

by crysta1madne33



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Dead L (Death Note), Death Note Spoilers, Gay, Light Angst, M/M, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25026193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crysta1madne33/pseuds/crysta1madne33
Summary: “With you gone, L, was it worth it anymore?”
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Kudos: 26





	With you Gone

With you gone, was it worth it anymore? Was it worth it to keep going, relentlessly chasing after my ideal dream while knowing you wouldn’t be there to challenge me?

The fun had disappeared, the thrill of it all followed you right out the door.. going to a place I would never be able to go. 

It was so damn hard to find that reason that I believed I was so sure of before. It all felt.. different, incomplete, with you gone. 

L… I hate to admit it, but I missed you. So damn much. You weren’t there to oppose me anymore, to be my friend. 

There was a hole in my heart, and I didn’t have anything to fill it with. Not Misa, not the death note, not the fame of being Kira or the thrill of the chase. Somehow, you crawled through my defenses, crawled into my beating heart.. and before I knew what the aching feeling had been when you would look at me,

You were gone.

I wonder.. I wonder with the brilliance of my mind what could’ve been if I had never touched the death note. I never would have been able to meet you, at least not as easily, but you could still be here, in my arms and breathing. Breathing and beating, the beating of your heart echoing through my head as I could press my cold ear to it, being warmed by the touch and sound.

But you were gone.

You were a shooting star, a once in a lifetime chance to make a wish and I didn’t. The opportunity I had, the way I dealt with it, the guilt weighed on my mind so heavy I was unsure if I could get up the next morning. Knowing the night was over, and you had disappeared.

Someone was like you… he reminded me so fucking much of you it was unbearable. I hated him with every last inch of my body and soul, how dare he do the things you did? I didn’t even bother to get his name, because all I could see was you..

Things had come to pass, and despite everything we had together, and feelings I felt but didn’t quite understand, I still chose to let you go. Perhaps if I held on.. just a little tighter, gripping that pale hand of yours as a tired and bored expression could look into the distance as I called out your name. Maybe, just maybe, if I had done that instead, you could live. You could be here, with me.

Do you know what kills me the most? What sits deeper in my heart, deeper than the guilt for what I had done to you?

The fact that I… would never. Go to where you were going.

You were traveling to somewhere I couldn’t even dream of. As soon as I used the death note my chance to go there had been cut from existence. And now, not even in death would I be able to follow you.

L… won’t you forgive me? 

Even I know you wouldn’t.. or couldn’t.. and yet I want to know. I need to know, if there’s a chance to lift this guilt off of my shoulders, off of my entire being.

Being forgiven, for killing you, is all I could ever ask for. Not for killing thousands of people with the death note, for avoiding the police's advances on me, just.. for you.

Sometimes, my brain prefers to torture me. With all the possible what ifs we could’ve had together.. maybe I would’ve met you through my father, and I would know, the moment I’d lay my eyes on you, that you were special. If I were able to gather up the courage, perhaps asking you out was a possibility. Dates, and kisses, and cuddles, and so on… all these different things, my mind conjures up. 

The guilt grows. It keeps growing. I can’t let go.

Death. It really was more painful for the ones left behind as they say. The memories of you continued to grow in me, but none of them would ever matter, with you gone.

Can’t you forgive me?

And as the light slowly faded from my surroundings, and the pain in my body started to grow, your life really does flash before your eyes, doesn’t it? 

But I suppose you would have already known this, know all of this, L.

Because I forced you to experience it before myself, to lose your life and now as I am left alone with my thoughts, I wish I could have gone before you.

Please, L.

Before I go, before I’m gone. Before I’m no longer allowed in this world, or any other world except the shinigami realm..

Can you forgive me?

“I forgive you, Light.“

End.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first OneShot for Death Note! I wanted to do a short and simple one so I didn’t make it as deleted, sorry. Feel free to let me know how it was! <3


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